The First Two Years of Motherhood: A Survival Guide (With Dark Circles & Darker Humor)

By a Sleep-Deprived, Over-Caffeinated, Newly-Enlightened Mom

Ah, motherhood. That magical time when you go from Googling "unique baby names" to Googling "is it normal to hallucinate from exhaustion?" in just two short years.

Let me take you on a journey—from naming the tiny human who just evicted your organs to realizing your own mother is a literal saint who deserves a throne (or at least uninterrupted naps).

Phase 1: The "What Have We Done?" Era (0-6 Months)

Naming the Baby:You spend months debating names like "Aurelia" or "Theodore" until the baby arrives and you’re like, "…Sarah is fine."

Sleep? Never Met Her.

• You fall asleep mid-sentence, mid-meal, mid-blink.

• Your partner complains about their sleep. You stare into their soul, silently plotting their demise.

Clusterfeeding: The Ultimate Test of SanityYour baby suddenly wants to nurse 24/7, like a tiny vampire who pays rent in cuddles (and tears). You Google: "Can babies survive on caffeine-laced breastmilk?" (Asking for a friend.)

Breastfeeding in Public: A Comedy of Errors

• You try to be discreet. The baby, however, treats your boob like a buffet announcement.

• Strangers either:

  • Smile supportively (bless them).

  • Look away like you’re defusing a bomb.

  • Or worse—give unsolicited advice.

The Great Winter Clothing Debate

• Grandma says, "Bundle her up!"

• The internet says, "Overheating is deadly!"

• You panic and dress the baby in 17 layers… only to realize she’s sweating like a wrestler.

Phase 2: The "Wait, I’m Still Alive?" Era (6-24 Months)

Solid Food: AKA The Messpocalypse

• You spend hours making organic sweet potato puree.

• The baby eats one spoonful, then smears the rest into their hair like it’s expensive conditioner.

Sleep Training (Or: How to Break Your Own Heart)

• You read 12 books on "gentle methods."

• Your baby responds by screaming like you’ve abandoned them in the wilderness.

• You cave at 3 AM and snuggle them, whispering, "Mommy’s weak, okay?"

The Realization That Your Mom Is a Superhero

• She cooks for you. She cleans. She holds the baby while you shower (the ultimate luxury).

• You finally understand why she cried when you moved out. "Mom, I get it now. Please move in with me."

Men’s Sleep Complaints: A Joke You No Longer Laugh At

• Him: "I’m so tired, I only got six hours."

• You, who hasn’t slept more than two hours straight in months: "Oh, you poor, fragile soul."

  

Final Thoughts: You’re Doing Amazing, Sweetie

Two years in, you’ve learned:

• Baby socks are a myth. They vanish into another dimension.

• You will cry over spilled milk (both literally and metaphorically).

• Your mom deserves a Nobel Prize (or at least a lifetime supply of wine).

So here’s to you, exhausted warrior. The days are long, but the years? They’re already flying by.

Now tell me—what was your "I’m never surviving this" mom moment? Share below! (Misery loves company.) 😂❤️

(P.S. If you’re in the thick of it right now—order takeout, ignore the laundry, and remember: You’re not just raising a child. You’re raising a future adult who will hopefully appreciate you as much as you now appreciate your own mom.)