By a Mom Who Now Understands Why Some Animals Eat Their Young

Two years and six months ago, I brought home a tiny, sleepy potato. Now? I live with a tiny dictator who runs on 2% sleep, 98% chaos, and an unholy love for throwing food off the table.

Every phase of motherhood feels like leveling up in a video game—except the boss fights are tantrums in Target, and the "reward" is just… more laundry.

Toddler Energy: Like a Tornado, But With Stickers

Gone are the days of immobile cuddles. Now, my child:

Runs in circles until she crashes into a wall (then does it again).
Treats stairs like a personal Everest, climbing up just to yell "MOM CATCH ME" as she flings herself backward.
Has the attention span of a goldfish—unless it’s something dangerous, in which case she’s alarmingly focused.

Me, every night: "How are you still awake? WHERE DO YOU GET THIS ENERGY?"Her, grinning: "From your soul, Mama."

How We Survived Without Screens (And Why I Might Crack Soon)

I’ll admit it—I was that mom who swore my child wouldn’t watch TV before age two.

Reality check:

Me at 18 months: "We do Montessori activities!"
Me at 2.5 years: "Here’s a wooden spoon and some Tupperware. Mommy needs five minutes. Just… five… minutes."

Actual Strategies That (Sort Of) Worked:✅ "Help" with chores – Folding laundry? No. Throwing socks everywhere? Toddler heaven.✅ Backyard = Best Babysitter – Rocks, sticks, bugs—nature’s iPad.✅ Books on repeat – If I have to read Pout-Pout Fish one more time, I will start identifying as a grumpy mollusk.

But let’s be real: Some days, the only thing between me and handing her my phone is sheer stubbornness (and maybe a hidden stash of chocolate).

New Fears: Toddler Edition

Remember when you worried about SIDS? Now you worry about:

"Why is it too quiet?" (Spoiler: She’s drawing on the dog.)
"Did she just swallow a Lego?" (Google: "How long until Legos… exit?")
"Is ‘throwing things at Mom’s face’ a phase or a personality trait?"

The Real MVP? Still My Mom.

She shows up with:

Meals I didn’t cook.
Sympathy when I whine ("I haven’t peed alone in years!").
The magical ability to get the toddler to nap (witchcraft?).

Me, weepy: "How did you do this without Amazon Prime and disposable diapers?"Her, laughing: "We just… suffered."

Final Thought: This Too Shall Pass (But First, It Will Yell "NO!" 87 Times)

Toddlerhood is like being a full-time WWE referee—exhausting, absurd, and occasionally painful. But then she hugs you and whispers "You my best fwen," and you forget she just bit you over a broken cracker.

So hang in there, warrior. And if you do hand over the iPad someday? No judgment. We’re all just out here trying to survive the tiny tyrants.

Now confess—what’s your "I swore I’d never…" mom moment? (Bonus points if it involves hiding in the pantry with snacks.) 🍫😂